I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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