mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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