Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
