It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
