When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
