I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize