I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
