She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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