Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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