Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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