Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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