I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
