so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
