She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
