My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
