i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
