My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
