it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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