I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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