i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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