My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
