K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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