quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
