Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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