Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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