Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
