I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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