I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
