I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
