We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
