At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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