My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
