i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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