I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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