I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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