Don't you send me to vm
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
