I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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