wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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