alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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