im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
