I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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