My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
