So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
