have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
