Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
