he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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