Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
