areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
