My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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