You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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