Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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