Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
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Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
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Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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