It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
