WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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