Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
