Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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