I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I can't turn off my feet"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
