Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
