it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
