The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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