If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
