I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
