my sisters under your porch take her home
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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