I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
